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    The 12 Days Of Christmas

    Dearest John, I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delighted gift! I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and affection, Aberdine

    Dearest John, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine- two Turtle Doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. You big silly, what next? All my love, Aberdine

    Dearest John, Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - 3 French Hens! They are just darling, but I must insist, you have been too kind. Love, Aberdine

    Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 Calling Birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Aberdine

    Dear John, What a surprise! Today the postman delivered 5 Golden Rings; 1 for every finger! You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All My love, Aberdine

    Dear John, When I opened the door there were actually 6 Geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, eh? Those geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are starting to complain, and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Aberdine

    John, What's with you and those F---ing birds? 7 Swans a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird crap all over the house and they never shut up. I can't get to sleep at night, and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny! Stop with those F---ing birds already. Sincerely, Aberdine

    Okay buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I to do with 8 maids-a-Milking? It's not enough, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's manure all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. What are you doing to me? Just lay off, smart-ass! Aberdeen

    Hey asshole: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers piping, and Christ do they play. They haven't stopped chasing those 8 maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I to do? The neighbors have started a petition to have me evicted. You'll get yours... Aberdine

    You rotten prick! Now there are 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been at it all night, along with those frigging pipers! Now the cows can't sleep, and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of turds. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I am going to ask to ask the police to intervene. One who means it. Venomously, Aberdine

    Listen F---head: What's with the 11 lords a-leaping all over those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again! Those pipers have run through the maids and are committing bestiality with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead! They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied you rotten, vicious, swine. Your sworn enemy, Aberdine

    Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Aberdine. The destruction of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Aberdine at the Happy Valley Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Sincerely, Badger, Bender, Cajole - Attorneys at Law

     

    Posted:
    Friday, December 17, 2004